i thought you were different

It does feel good when you're told you are special...
Or the word "different," in this case.

Mr. McBride told the husbands-to-be in our class:
Women just want to be appreciated.

It's true.

Who knew what he said would help not just the men, but the women too--
I understand my heart better now.

It feels good.
But it's my pride, my self, my sinful nature feeling good.
It feels good because it's exactly what my old man would have wanted to hear.
Thank God he's crucified and I now have to liberty to truly sing:

"Riches I heed not,
nor man's empty praise."

So I thank you for your compliment,
but I will be careful to make my focus on God and on esteeming others more significant than myself.

Holy Spirit,
let's fight it together.

sign,
Starry

he shut me up

& this is why I enjoy being alone...

The pain of people, the noise of the crowd, the fake smiles that I have to squeeze out to protect my Lord's name when I struggle--I can live without these.

I told a friend yesterday night...
I told him that even if struggles exist in service, be strong in the Lord and press on to have faith in His love and His might. Put on the armor and work together with Him.

My social life is a form of service. I struggle with it, but I know my loving Father has put me in a position like this to strengthen me, mold me, and love me. This is my faith. This is my strength.

I will press on.
I will serve.
I will love.

...

People in camp are complaining that they are serving and not recharging... even my leader has joined them. Why do they not see serving as a lifestyle? It is our calling to constantly deny ourselves, take up our crosses, and follow Him. Whether it be with children, video, or logistics, I will continue to serve my Lord. Because service isn't about the program! It's about the heart! And life will always be filled with the calling to serve. To serve people by loving them, to serve God's purpose by submitting to Him, to serve the church by helping with structured programs--these are ALL THE SAME. They stem from the same attitude in the heart, and when we lose sight of that, we put ourselves in a box of systematic serving that limits our potential and purpose for the Lord! It speaks of just how much love we have for our God whose love is out of this world.

Serving--
Service--
is a constant thing!

My dear leader, I am praying for you. I love you and, to a certain extent, I admire and look up to you. You are my shepherd, and I am put under you by my God. I will continue to uphold you in my prayers and seek to serve you in any way possible.

church camp, 
Starry

to the number i don't have

Hey~! I was going through my Bible and thought I'd read Philippians 2. This is something my dad shared with me quite some time ago, and I thought maybe it'd bless your heart~ ^^ He said to me last time: having the mind of Christ is pretty much the same as being filled with with Spirit. Christ's mind was filled with the Spirit and the love of God. Being who He is, Christ did all that He did, rooting from the love of God. And when our thoughts, our actions, our speech all stem from the love of God, we do what is right and we are able to fully draw strength to conquer our flesh's desires. We also will be like-minded and have unity through that. That is walking and living and being filled with the Spirit, and that is having the mind of Christ: that's how my dad linked it. Just thought it might interest you~ ^^

maybe,
Starry

harder than i thought

My love for His Word will never end.
I'm constantly reading, learning, and growing every day.
And I am just ITCHING to update my devotions label, but I can't seem to find the time to do it.
...
It's a lot harder than I thought. This takes time-- time that I do not have.
Well, I have to make it; I have to make time to do this!

sigh,
Starry

D1: destruction and sovereignty

Date opened: March 20, 2014
Object opened: Jeremiah 48—52
Mood when opened: Stricken with guilt 
Mood when closed: Comforted by God's sovereignty 

It's all been leading up to this, hasn't it? Judgment is finally sent, and the sinners in the hands of an angry God are receiving what they deserve in that just Judge's eyes. When it came to the utter destruction of Babylon in chapter 51, these verses stood out to me:

15 “It is he who made the earth by his power,

who established the world by his wisdom,

and by his understanding stretched out the heavens.

16 When he utters his voice there is a tumult of waters in the heavens,

and he makes the mist rise from the ends of the earth.

He makes lightning for the rain,

and he brings forth the wind from his storehouses.

17 Every man is stupid and without knowledge;

every goldsmith is put to shame by his idols,

for his images are false,

and there is no breath in them.

18 They are worthless, a work of delusion;

at the time of their punishment they shall perish.

19 Not like these is he who is the portion of Jacob,

for he is the one who formed all things,

and Israel is the tribe of his inheritance;

the Lord of hosts is his name.

Just look at how amazing He is. Look at how amazing our God is. The fact alone that HE is the Creator of all things stands as something for us to marvel at. Then look at creation and how each little detail screams of God's wisdom, power, and might to even think of design and artistry. Yet man—yet we—create idols in our lives and use them to lie to ourselves that everything is okay... that judgment will not be sent. How pride makes a fool of us. How it ruins us from the inside out. 

When God referred to Babylon, He used the title "proud one." This just reminds me that pride is the stem to many, many sins. My Father is a God who made the earth by His power, established the world by His wisdom, and stretched out the heavens with His understanding. And I—I am just a being of a fallen race loved by that very God. And He is watching me as I live in my pride and constantly choose the idol that is I over the Lord that is He. I can't stop sinning, but I can choose to have my heart right. I can choose to take down that idol in me before it ruins me. I can choose my God on high who has called me His. 

His creation reminds me of His sovereignty in the world. His sovereignty reminds me of His amazing grace. His grace, though ever-sufficient, reminds me of His calling to love Him. His calling reminds me to break down my pride, let go of the sins that follow it, and go to the One who sent my Redeemer. 

"Repent therefore, and turn back, that your sins may be blotted out, that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord..." 
—Acts 3:19, 20

D0: so here's the first

My whole blog is a devotions journal itself. It speaks of how I learn through falling, rising, and watching. Through my reading of His Word, I constantly learn; and as I learn, I live in and through what I've learned—I live it out. As I live it out, I blog about this life abundant that I have found—that He has graced.

Well, my Father's telling me it's time to be more direct with this blog and to be more direct with my devotions.

So here's the first—the first of this label, the first of this jotting-down-of-devotions journey that I'm taking.
Here's the first step.

I've taken it, Lord.
I pray You'll bless it; I pray You'll bless my devotions as You always have.

"Let all things be done decently and in order." 
—1 Corinthians 14:40 

introverts

It's true—what you said— 

Introverts can't really socialize for long periods of time. 

I remember when we had gatherings all the time, and the sound of chattering and laughing would fill the whole house. I'd grow sick of it so easily; I'd simply take my plate of dinner and sit on the floor of my unlit room, eating and drowning whatever sounds of people in my head. 

It was nice. It was what I enjoyed—the feeling of avoidance, the joy of being alone, and the darkness of not only the room, but also my heart. 

Your words just— 

... reminded me of that. 

But that's all in the past. I may struggle with it almost everyday, but it's all in the past. 

I find more pleasure in pleasing my Father now. 

memories, 

Starry

mids underway

What a night last night was...

You took care of me... THE WHOLE TIME.

And—
And—
And I know that—
Duh, you would; and you should, but I feel a bit bad...

and a bit touched.

The things that you say, the experiences that you share, the love that I see—they've just become so much clearer after last night.

And because I got a bit dead towards the end, I pray you'd forgive me.

I don't know... how to feel.
I feel embarrassed; I feel appreciation; I feel so many things...
But my eyes: they're on God;
so my eyes: they're on you.

I hope I was good for you.

socialite,
Starry

obey and let go

Giving up? 

Never. 

Try letting go. 

I know that my Father doesn't want me near you right now. 

So out of obedience, I'm letting go. 

Why did the two of you have to ruin MY relationship?! Is it not enough to ruin your own?! 

JUST STOP. 

I'm done. I'm gone. 

goodbye, 

Starry 

sin happens

You don't... care, do you? 

I love you so much; I am so burdened for your spiritual well being, yet you—

You don't care. 

You just don't... 

And it's so easy to have selfish thoughts, but I won't. My focus is on God, and that's why it's on you. 

I fall. I'm sinful. I'm a filthy sinner, but by the Lord's grace, I learn. And I am learning— learning how to love, learning how to esteem others above me. 

I'm slowly learning how to be like Jesus. 

So you—

You're really important to me. And I may back off a little because of your dislike, but I pray that you'd know—

You are loved by God. 

You are loved by me. 

change, 

Starry 

looking at you

You were hurt. 

Badly. 

Once before... 

Sure, you smile. 

Sure, you smile as you talk and you talk as you laugh, but you've been hurt so badly before. 

And here I'm sitting, looking at you, wondering if you've actually fully recovered. 

You act as if you have... But have you? 

I'm so concerned and I don't know how to serve you! I don't even know how to tell you I'm here for you... 

I can't believe how much she hurt you. I can't believe how much God put you through. 

Father, I thank You for this man. 

Lord, I thank You for Your grace that is ever-sufficient—so sufficient that You have let him step up and not back down because of this. God, I trust that he has walked out of this stronger in You and weaker in himself, and I pray that He will learn and come to trust people as You have called him to. 

What a man. 

What a story. 

What a tragedy. 

concern, 

Starty 

all about you

Wow, what do I say? Where should I start from?

How could you do that? How can you do that?
I don't understand; is there not ANYTHING-
AT ALL—
IN YOU—
THAT SAYS:
NO.
NO.
I will NOT do this! I will NOT put myself in the way of danger! I will NOT put myself in front of God! And I will NOT put myself in front of His people!

Is there nothing like that?
Is there really nothing in you?
Why?

I don't understand... Why?

Why—
Why do I keep having stupidly high expectations of people?
Why do I keep getting discouraged by people whom I know are sinful?
Why am I looking at them as if God Himself told me that I would find spiritual rest in them?

He never told me that... My Father never told me that.
He simply told me to go,
and I did.
I obeyed,
and I went.

And now He has called me to go through this...
And SINCE He has called me so, He will give me grace, power, and strength to carry through.

Why?
I still keep asking why...

love, 
Starry

the year of 2013

You want to know what I thank God for?
I thank God for everything.
I thank God for the ups, and I thank God for the downs.
For the downs, I thank God for using them to bring me to higher ground.
For the ups, I thank God for assuring me that I am on higher ground.

You want me to pick just one thing that I thank God for?
I thank God for the cross, for without it, where would I be?
Because of the cross, I am where I am today.
Because of the cross, I can truly live not just on earth but also at home.
If it weren't for my precious Redeemer, where would I find joy?
Where would I find peace? Where would I find hope?
And how would I know this little glimpse of true love that I do right now?
I thank God so much for the cross.

I now see that thanksgiving is a daily thing. It's an everyday thing. It's a lifestyle in which you wake up and thank God for the day itself and for the breaths that you take. It is one in which "thank You" are the first two words that pop in your mind when something bad happens. It is a way of living in which God is seen in every situation, in every relationship, and in every image. It's a habit which can only be learned and picked up through God's amazing grace. Thanksgiving— Thanksgiving is a culture.

I thank God for 2013.
I thank God for the cross.
I thank God for everything.

2013, 
Starry

i now name names

SO. Recap of watch night with the Young Adults~!

Overall... It was okay...
I got to know some of them just a tiny bit more, I guess.

First, I went earlier to help prepare food. And I am so glad that I did. Yeah, people weren't really talking to me, but just being able to serve made me happy. When I went, Prissy was peeling garlic and was saying how the hands would smell really bad after doing it. So when she left her post, I went to do the peeling, HAHAHA. Yeah. My hands still smell bad. Oh and one guy really took care of me, and it reminded me of China... ♥ Thank you, Zhang Shuo. For taking care of me~ ^^ Ahaha, and Jean was so nice for talking to me, the new kid. I guess Joshua tried but kind of failed. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Sorry! ><

Then when we were pretty much done with the food, and all that was left to do was heat up, we went down to "socialize." Or so Prissy told me to do, hahaha. I went in and the person organizing the games handed me a little shred of paper to play the game. So I played! Like I was prepared to. I went with a heart that was ready to sacrifice; I really hate playing games. When I was struggling with the games thing, I asked myself: "What is playing games compared to the cross?" So thank You, Jesus, for doing what anyone would think is impossible. Your emptying of yourself of all glories in heaven, Your love that is so intense that it lingers in so many hearts even now, and Your undying obedience to our heavenly Father leave me in awe and with an example that will forever be worthy of devotion. Thank You. 

After less than five minutes of playing the game, the kitchen crew had to go up to heat up the food and bring it all downstairs to serve. When Prissy got up, I looked at her and asked if they needed help. She was so nice and was just like, no it's okay. So all I could do was look over at them leaving the room... UNTIL. Wan Xin signaled me to follow them. AHHH, I LOVE YOU, WAN XIN, FOR KNOWING ME SO WELL. She then said while we were heading out, "You can follow us lah, hahaha. If not, you'll just be there and so awkward~" My reply: "♥♥♥." Hehe. But seriously, I thank God so much for her. Sure, she has her iffy points, but who doesn't have iffy points?! I know I would be a lot worse if I were in her position. Being the amazing person that she is in Him, she invited me to cook with them and even drew a map for this blur little girl. She has shown me how much a child of God can grow just because of fellowship and Christian community. She has shown me that not with her words, but with her life. And I see her heart, and I stand to say I appreciate her. I appreciate her so much, and I thank God for allowing me to know such a wonderful sister-in-Christ. ^^

We went up; we brought the food down, and dinner began. Dinner was okay... Having been in the kitchen for so long, I kind of lost my appetite. When dinner was almost over, Reu came over and was all, "Starry! I challenge you to a game of foosball!" Um. Okay, Reuben. Hahaha. To be perfectly honest, I really like Reuben. What a great guy! But he's not part of this post, so some other day~ Anyway, I played. Like I said, I went ready to play games.

Aaand after dinner, there was worship and then there was a time of sharing! Sharing was awesome. I got to know more about the people there, who went with whom, and of course, their character. Because of their sharing, I could really see what their hearts were for. I could see their levels of maturity, and I could see God's work in their lives.

I really liked Joel's sharing... Or maybe I'm just biased. Hahaha. It was DEFINITELY nice to see more of who he is though. I mean. When I look at the relationship that I have with him, I see that it's an I-would-love-to-get-to-know-him-more-and-I-really-should-but-I-don't-know-how-to relationship. Long name, but you get it.

We then split into groups, and that part was really quiet... It was so awkward, and the poor leaders were trying to get people to speak, but nobody wanted to. Well, I wanted to. But I didn't dare! HAHAA. (See previous post) After that, it was the countdown and we lit sparklers and popped bottles of sparkling. I saw Rosalyn just standing alone in the crowd of chattering people, and I wondered why no one was reaching out to her. So, of course, I went over to talk to her and accompany her and kind of try to find out why she was alone. Apparently, she was invited and knew some people, but she didn't know them really well and they weren't there. Um. Something like that.

Soon, I borrowed a phone and called the parents; the parents came and interrupted Gerald's talking to me! Bleeehhh, I really wanted to hear what he had to say. But I guess it isn't in God's plan. Before I left, I went to say bye to Prissy and she hugged me. Wowie. Heart to you, too. ♥ Please don't fly off so soon. (?) Hahaha.

So yes! That's the recap of the event. It was amazing in a very weird way. As I look back at that evening, God's hand in it all isn't really that clear to me... For now, I can't see why my Father wanted me to go. For now, I can't see how God will use it in the future. But for now, I will simply give praise for being able to get that tiny bit closer to the people, for how the Sovereign One will use it to His glory, and for letting me see where their hearts are. And since I see that now, I can then give thanks better and pray for them better, and I know–for I pray by faith–that God will somehow use me in their lives and them in mine.
I pray. I hope. I trust.

tldr, 
Starry

watch night, guuuyyyysss

OH WOW.

SO.

I went to the Young Adults Watch Night event...
About the end came a time of splitting into groups to share about how our years went.
Joining the OT's group, I found myself surrounded by so many people whose faces I do not know.

When it came to sharing, I felt the Holy Spirit budging me to speak.
I didn't.
I did not speak.

I couldn't share there, so I thought I'd share here:

For a new year's resolution...
I guess the first thing that pops up in my mind is to get connected with the Young Adults as soon as possible. Or really, as soon as God allows. But thinking about it, I find it a little too specific. Yes, it is one of the issues I'm facing right now in my life, but it isn't the cause. Instead, it's the effect of one issue: I am not enthusiastic for God. So new year's resolution: BE ENTHUSIASTIC FOR GOD. To be honest, I, in a sense, don't really need a CG. I mean. My dad says people go to CG for spiritual rest. But for me, if you look at my life, you'll see that my whole life is spiritual rest! I have a Christian education, a Christian home, wonderful Christian friends, and parents who are so godly that I consider them one of the biggest blessings in my life! My mum says I have CG every night. So okay. How about good Christian friends who will walk with me in life? I am actually not that disconnected to the church... I have several friends whom I pray for and who I'm certain pray for me. And when we talk and spend time together, we'd always share about how God has been working in our lives lately. So at a certain point, I just found myself with an attitude that says: "Go ahead. Give me a reason I should go to CG. I can top it." Then one day when I was listening to a sermon, the preacher said: "You be enthusiastic for God! If you can go better, don't settle with just good when it comes to God!" And I started asking myself: "Can I go better?" Um. Yeah! CG! HAHAHA. And I started really challenging myself with questions like:

Where is that burning passion and desire for God?
Where is that hunger to know Him and the body of Christ in which He has placed me more?
Where is that fire that should be burning deep down within me?
Where is that fire for God?

So new year's resolution: I want to be enthusiastic for God in every aspect of my life. Especially where it's challenging for me. AKA CG HAHAHA So... yeah.

sharing,
Starry