he keeps coming to mind

My thoughts are running wild.
I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore.
The war between my two natures are so strong that I don't even know what is happening anymore.

I'm thinking of him, of him, of him, of Him--
what is going on!

I need to focus.
I need to remember why I'm doing what I'm doing.
I need to set my mind on eternal things and walk in the Spirit.

These are all desires of the flesh--my new man knows better that God is with me and that that will never change nor fail to satisfy.

There will always be a new "crush."
There will only be one faithful Father.

There really isn't anything else that I need in this life, is there...

Even if He calls me to be alone physically, I have Him spiritually! How much more rewarding is the spiritual!
What is physical fades; what is spiritual lasts.
I really don't need anything else.

So God,
I ask you to stop my foolish mind, because I can't do it in my own strength.
By faith I charge in and claim the inheritance which You've already given to me.
By faith I believe, Jesus, that you died and rose again, conquering all my sin.
I ask You to give me that confidence which You want me to have--not in myself or in my works, but in Christ and in Christ alone.
You've done it all, Jesus--give me the confidence in the face of the enemy and in front of others.
People scare me sometimes, Daddy, but I know that You have the whole world in Your hands yet still care to count the hairs on my head.
Help me to keep in mind that You love everyone that I see around me; help me to have Your heart for them and love them the way You do.
God, will You remind me once more that You are all that matters? That Your love is all that I need? That if I seek another's, I am blaspheming Yours?
Will You help my feeble mind to remember Your love, Lord? It's the greatest one of all...
And, God, just this short time of prayer, I feel, has already helped me.
I do have a clearer mind now and a more stable heart now.
I feel the change and the workings in me--thank You.
You truly are the best. You truly do care and love and protect and listen and answer.
Thank You for the desire you've graced me with to honor You with my life--thank You for this God-honoring prayer. I know that none of it is of me.
Thank You for the Holy Spirit.
Thank You for letting me partner with You in Your work.
Teach me, God. I'm here. Please. Use me, I pray.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.

Bible college high

I forgot what it was like...
I forgot what feeling physical pain in my chest because I cared so much for others felt like.
I forgot what those sleepless nights of prayer for others felt like.
I forgot what holding a person's hand and looking her in the eye in silent love felt like.
I forgot what giving up my life, my sins, and my pride to relate to others felt like.
I forgot what hearing the cries of others who are in pain felt like.
I forgot what mourning the spiritual death of another felt like.

I forgot what ministry felt like.
I forgot what the cries of the struggling sounded like.

I got drunk on being a good TA, being a good student, or even being a good friend; these are all good, but like with alcohol, they're good when in moderation.
I got so drunk on Bible college life that I forgot what the purpose of Bible college even is.

I studied ministry so much that I forgot ministry itself.

I was on a Bible college high; I was in a daze from the ecstasy of a spiritually safe environment.

Why was I thinking of TA-ing so much?
Why was I so hung up on whether I can date in Bible college or not?
Why in the world would I care when the people in my life are spiritually dying!
Why in the world would it even fill my head, when all the sound in my ears are the cries of the lost, begging to just hear one verse from God, begging hard to be set free!

I am not a Bible college student. I am a minister of God.
I am so much a minister of God that being a Bible college student just disappears.

I am in a war, and I am a soldier.

...

She is afraid of going to China; she has fear of such a calling.
It is almost as if she doesn't hear the cries of the people.
It is almost as if she doesn't understand ministry.

I left the prayer chapel in tears tonight.
I held the handle of the door at curfew and asked Him,
"God, You hear their cries, right?"

Even when we don't... You do, right?

Starry

late night thoughts

I asked You why You always talk to me when I'm in pain.

You said that it was because my ears are more open when I'm hurt.

If that's what it takes to hear Your voice and feel Your presence that clearly, Lord, then that's what I want.

God, I am nothing without you.
Before I knew You, I wanted to end my life.
It's almost as if nothing has changed in that fact, because if I stop knowing You now, I'd want to end my life just the same.

I lose sight of that fact so often, God.
My heart thinks I am a living sacrifice because of that fact, but You know better and often tell me about it all.

Teach me obedience, God.
I don't fully know what it is.
Teach me to be immediate; help my heart to run and not just walk when You tell me to go.
Teach me to love You, Father.
Teach me death and life in You, Jesus.

I have given my life to You, and it was the best decision I could have ever made.
I sometimes don't know about my intentions, God, because of how my heart is so deceitful, but I know one thing right now:
There is a hundred percent nothing in me which regrets giving my life to You.
You have given me joy, hope, peace,
while all I can give You is this wretched, weak life.

And the crazy thing is...
that is exactly what You want, isn't it?
This wretched, weak life...

Thank you doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of my feelings for You, but I'll start from there, God.
Thank You.
For You~

I look forward and can't wait for our date tomorrow!
I feel like I miss You already, hahaha.

Goodnight, Daddy.

Starry