the people over there

My dad says people go to CG for spiritual rest.
My mum says I have CG at home every night.
God says I need a community of Christian friends.
I say I already have that.
Mr. McBride says never settle for what's good when you can go for what's better.
He says to have enthusiasm for God.

I don't know...
I really don't.

When I thought about fitting into their group, I thought to myself,
"I've never fit in before."

Then another thought came:
I fit in God's kingdom.

Oh wait.
THEY fit in God's kingdom, too.

And I guess that that is the supernatural bond that keeps us Christians together and united. My relationship with my brother or sister-in-Christ runs so deep that I would never think of betraying them for selfish reasons or for anything at all. Because to be like Christ is my goal. And I know that that is their goal, too.

I know it, but I don't see it.

And now I'm asking myself: DO I KNOW IT?
IS that their goal?!

block, 
Starry

christmas ushering

After a while... You started to do all the work.

And as you walked around talking, smiling, and trying with all your heart, I found myself silently watching you with an appreciation I never thought I'd ever have for a youth. 

Dear boy, thank you. 

I see your heart for our God, and I praise our Lord for you. 

Merry Christmas, 

Starry 

what could this mean

I dreamed of you...

On my birthday, you approached me to hand me a note. The note wasn't exactly for my birthday, but it was given on that day. The note read,

"Hi, Starry.
It is such a great opportunity to know you. I hope we can be closer in the future. I think that because of this note, it will be easier for me now. You're quite hard to get close to. :)
*your name*"

Flash forward and I was sleeping on a couch in a random room with nothing but that, a desk, and a chair. When I finally woke up and opened my eyes, you were there, and the first thing that I saw was you back facing me and sitting on that chair. You were sad and in such a pensive mood that I could feel pulses of negative emotions emanating off of you. And while your whole being was in thought, you tapped your finger on the table. One tap, and another tap, and another tap, and another tap went on and on. I wanted to comfort you so badly, but I didn't. I then got up from the couch and took up the note that you gave me. And when I did, you turned your head and saw that I was awake. I took the note, waved it in the air, and said with a smile, "remember this?" You then turned around to face me. You got up, laughed, and walked away without saying a single word.

So there I sat, left alone in the room with your presence still lingering in my heart.

Then I woke up.

dreamland, 
Starry

going going going

GOING TO CG ON FRIDAY.

I'm actually quite stoked.
I'll probably get lost, then give thanks, then go and be socially awkward, then come back, then blog about it, then give thanks.

HAHAHA.

WHAT'S NEW, PEOPLE.

I want to go to be a blessing to the people there...
I want to go to shine brighter for Christ.
I want to go to see more of what God has in store for me.
I want to go to learn more about living as my Savior did.
I want to go to sharpen iron and be sharpened.

I want to go because God wants me to go.
And even if I crash and burn, I will still know to give thanks because God's good is greater than our good. HAHAHA, PJ, I'M NOT GOING TO SAY "GOODER."

ahem.
ok.

friday, 
Starry

CG

To be honest...
I'm intimidated.

To be honest,
it's intimidating.

fellowship,
Starry

walk downstairs with him

God, if I like him, where will You be in our relationship? 

就算他真的喜欢上我，

我们也是不可能在一起的啊。 

And just thinking about him makes me shrink... 

Like look at him: 

I bet so many girls are head over heels over him. 

He's older than I; he has a uni life. 

I have no life; I have no friends. 

And even if I believe he's mature enough to not like a non-believer, 

he wouldn't choose me. 

I don't attend a CG, remember?! 

He leads one. 

I am socially impaired, remember?! 

He goes out for lunch with one girl. 

I'm not pretty, remember... 

All these thoughts are so worldly, so selfish. 

It's all about me! It's all about me! 

It's not about God! 

My security is in boys! Not Christ! 

The temptation to say "YES. I like him." is so strong... 

But I will never do it. How can I? 

Look at my life and look at what God has done for me. 

Look at what He's doing for me! 

Look at who He is and look at what He's given me. 

I'm speechless, and I will never leave. 

Especially not for a boy whose character I only have hunches about! 

What was I thinking?! 

Look at God. Then look at him. 

How could I even THINK about leaving my God and going to him?! 

I barely know him; I know my God! 

He doesn't love me; my Savior DIED for me! 

LOOK. 

LOOK AT GOD. LOOK AT THE CROSS. 

And if even after that you still say you want to leave?! 

Then you're crazy. You're illogical. You're despicable. 

rain, 

Starry 

so much of nothing

Every time I think of you, a deep pit of emptiness will form in me. 

It's like- 
I want something that I will never allow myself to have. 
It's like- 
I'll never get what I want, and that I should change what I want... 
But I can't. 

I don't want you. I want to change. 

How? 

you, 
Starry 

he him his

The way he talks-
The way he smiles-
The way he looks-
The way he laughs-

The way he is...

I am really REALLY SO ATTRACTED.
But it's nothing.
It's no big.
It isn't what God wants for me so it isn't what I want.

The more I think about it, the more I feel that-
This?
It's just something to keep in my heart and wait to fade out.

And while it lingers there,
I'll just watch.
I'll just stay.
I'll just admire.

And if he asks,
I'd say no.
I'd decline.
I'd reject.

And when my mind gets tempted,
I pray.
I refocus.
I ignore and suppress the attraction.

Have I ever faced such a temptation before?!
AND SUCH A BIG ONE?

Look at him...
Probably not...

will, 
Starry

how was your week

If you were to ask me:
"So how was your week?"

...

Me: "It was good! It was a week that was filled with answered prayers from God. Answers that were 'yes,' that is. I guess it's just nice to see that God listens and cares."

You: "What prayers were answered?"

Me: "I've been praying for this girl for quite some time now. She's a girl whose family comes to our church, and she recently started the same homeschooling program as my sister and I. Because of this, she contacted my sister, but since my sister is in China, she referred this girl to me. Her parents are a little controlling, and our Sunday schedules are completely different so I haven't been able to really spend time with her. I prayed for the opportunity and it came! Praise the Lord. I feel that our relationship is such a work of the divine hand of God, and having her path crossed with mine has given me a sense of responsibility. And what an opportunity! To reach a young soul for Christ. So I've been praying hard for this; and when He finally said 'yes,' I was gently reminded that God has His timing for everything and that I simply need to be patient and ready. How was yours?"

...

I'd love to hear about your week.

Maybe I should ask this Sunday...

...

Or maybe I shouldn't!

jacket,
Starry

catch up

Things are the same, and yet things are different. 

You're here but you're not. 

You're with me but you're not. 

How can I help you? 

How can I serve you? 

Use me, Lord. 

prayer, 

Starry 

how disgusting

When Pastor was talking about love today, I honestly HONESTLY found myself disgusted at you. 

"You make me feel needed"?! 

Why?! 

Why do you have to do this?! 

I was trying to help you; 

I'm trying to help you! 

Let me help you; talk to me! 

boy, 

Starry 

414 window

I don't believe in the whole "414 window" thing. 

What I believe in is the Holy Spirit moving among us. 

I believe in the power of God melting our stone-hard hearts. 

I believe in the hand of God working in His mysterious way in His chosen and divine timing. 

I believe in God and not in what man has formulated. 

disbelief, 

Starry