i give up

He called me self-righteous and judgmental...
I'm starting to think that he's right.

So I'm stopping...

I need to.

self-righteousness, 
Starry

home turf battles

Father, you're really pushing me to the end, aren't You? 

After coming back to Singapore, everything changed. 

My perfect Christian world suddenly became a battlefield. 

Sunday has become a battlefield. 

Everything I hear from my spiritual family is almost always a shock to me. 

Am I too sensitive? 

For Christians, the church is supposed to be a resting place. 

Why is it so tiring for me? 

I want to rest. 

I'm tired. 

I'm continually wounded, 

and I need to rest. 

war, 

Starry 

THEE church

Today's sermon struck a chord with me.

One of the things which Satan loves to attack is the relationship of a church to a Christian. 

... What does that mean for me? 

To be honest, 

I don't know. 

Even right now, 

I still don't know. 

ignorance, 

Starry 

church service

I'm sitting alone on one row. 

I hear chatter all around me. 

I don't know if I'm happy. 

I need Jesus. 

church, 

Starry 

racism

Walking from home on Sunday morning, I saw a Singaporean Malay man with a large suitcase waiting to board the same elevator. I, of course, got ready to hold the lift for him. Yet when the lift came, he smiled, held on the button, and gestured for me to go first.

What a nice man. 

Soon, I reached the MRT station. And when a Singaporean Chinese man had the chance to do the same, he didn't. 

I know. I'm being racist. 

Yeah. Maybe! 

And one man does not represent his whole race. 

Yeah. Maybe! 

I'm just noticing how so many Singaporean Chinese insult and accuse the other races in Singapore and ignore their own shortcomings. 

I've always noticed how so many Singaporean Chinese insult and accuse Mainlanders in general and ignore their own shortcomings. 

Yes. Mainlanders are different. 

So?! 

Is different necessarily bad?! 

Why can't we ever accept ANYTHING or ANYONE other than what we are and what we're used to?! 

Singaporean, I urge you to stop this idiocy. If you can't accept someone because he talks loudly in public or fails to notice the law, you need to reevaluate the depth of your character. 

Understand that they're from a totally different culture. 

Understand that they may have a want to change to fit into this country. 

Understand that if you keep this up, they won't even have a chance to do so. 

So maybe I think this way because they're my people. 

Well, blow. 

This is my nation and homeland, too. 

impatience, 

Starry  

let's pretend

Okay, so let's just say: 

"Yeah! I do like you!" 

... Then what? 

Can I gush about you like other girls do about the boys they like? 

... No. 

Can I list out a full five points stating what I like about you? 

Well, no. 

Can I say that I am willing to go out with you if you asked? 

No. 

Can I like you? 

No! 

DO I like you? 

... 

I guess not. 

Because if I do, 

what do I like about you? 

... nothing. 

Just. Nothing. 

So I guess that this is just a fad that, well, sadly, is exaggerated by my loneliness. 

Loneliness is so interesting. 

Its effects are so subtle to me. 

I dare say: I never feel lonely. 

To feel it? 

Never. 

But to see it? 

Yeah, I guess. Just as in this situation! 

distinctions, 

Starry 

STOP. JUST STOP.

My Chemistry teacher mentioned methyl violet.

I thought of you when you argued about colors. 

I was eating rice and some of it dropped. 

I thought of you when you did the same. 

There was no talking at the dinner table. 

I thought of you when you whispered, "silence~~~"

When I was doodling in class, ...

When I was blankly staring into space, ...

When I am writing this post, ... 

GO! 

AWAY! 

STOP STAYING IN MY HEAD! YOU'RE NOT WELCOMED! 

GO! SHOO! 

SHOOSHOO!

>< 

you, 

Starry

i'm worried

I'm worried.
I really am.
Even though we rarely talk about deeper things, I know how you are and I know how you feel.
... You're just like me.

Friend, I can see where you are spiritually.
& I'll continue praying for you.

concern, 
Starry

that. this. isn't.

I don't know why I keep thinking of you.

Even though I know there isn't anything wrong with that, I still try to keep myself from doing it. 

Somehow I feel that liking you that way is ... wrong. 

Well. 

It is. 

Wanting or doing something God doesn't want IS wrong. 

So get out. 

So get out of my head. 

Yet just because I keep thinking about you doesn't mean I like you that way. 

... Ugghhhh. 

Anyway. 

I'll just make the best out of this: 

Every time I think of you, I'll just pray for you! 

So whatever it is that you're struggling with right now—I pray that it will leave you better-molded for the future; I pray that it will strip you bare that you may find true, raw peace in Christ; I pray that it will not cause you to lose hope nor doubt too much that you forget God's love and promises; I pray that you will continue to live by The Lord and dwell in Him in everything that you do. 

So while you go around being the likable "socialite" that you are, I'll just keep telling myself that 

this

isn't

love, 

Starry