and i know and i know and i know

I was flipping through old photos, looking at all the past countries, cultures, and crowds I've come to know and experience in this short, little life of mine.
I eventually came to the famous photo of my family when we first moved to China.

"July 2004 Changchun," it read, with our smiling faces but eventually wearied hearts.
There's so much you don't know.

With you in the back of my mind, where you usually are,
and with you in the reflection of my laptop's black borders,
where you usually sit in class, I had a small realization.

Eventually, you're going to end up being a single page in a short chapter of my crazy eventful life.
I have so many more countries to go to, so much more missionary work to accomplish.
My background is always changing; my people are always changing.
You came quickly into the picture, but just as quickly as you walked into this short chapter, you're going to walk away.
We're just two really different people who came from really different worlds and are called to really different futures ... and I've been smitten by someone so different.

I have no sappy love poems, no romantic dreams—just a longing for you to take on a bigger role in my life.

I once thought to myself: "I just wish he were here with me right now. Is that too much to ask for?"
And yes, actually, the answer is yes—it is too much to ask for.

I think—I think I just need to meet her. I just need to see her perfect hair, her perfect smile, and her perfect character. I need to see you look at her in the way you will never look at me.
I need to see you happy with her.
Maybe then, I will be able to thoroughly let this selfish desire go.

I know he is not going to be you, but I'm desperately hoping he is someone like you.
Knowing you has made me raise my standards and love my brothers more.

You are amazing.
And I thank God for you.

i saw it

God, did You see that? Did You see what I saw?

That picture, that posture, that look, that expression--it was all so familiar; it was all too familiar for my comfort.
I'm getting scared, Daddy. I don't want another cycle of it.
I've seen it so much that I know what it looks like--I know what it feels like--
AND IT WAS TONIGHT.

It--
... It was tonight.
I saw it and felt it tonight!

God, what do I do?
I'm trying my best, and I'll keep on speaking up.
But at the same time, I'm so stricken with fear that past memories are starting to resurface.

I felt it, God--the feeling that pierced me in the past each time a cycle happened.

I beg You: have mercy and spare us from destroying ourselves with our own sins.

priorities as an RA

It’s true… and I kind of lost sight of that.

I was never meant to have A’s in the first place, right, God?

Remember? I was to reap what I sowed—those years of straying and cheating should have left me in the rut in this society, and yet… here I am with a GPA 4.0.

Daddy.

I really really like him; I appreciate him sooo much. He’s a dear servant of Yours.

It’s like me with my girl—there’s just so much that I find in her that I can come to appreciate and grow to love.

Over time, I get to see who they really are and where they stand in You.

As I listen more to them speak, I get to see Your glory and observe how You want us to live.

Daddy.

He’s so focused as an RA.

He’s totally committed to serving Your people and loving them even when it means giving up an academic right.

I’m… not there yet.

There’s a lot more at stake for me than there is for him.

My future, my culture, my home, my family, my friends—these things stand in the way so much of ministering as an RA. I don’t know if I can give all that up…

It’s idolatry, isn’t it?!

Here’s a renewal of submission, Papa. Please search my thoughts and know the depths of my heart.

I can’t seem to let go of a previous life and focus on the one that You have given to me here.

I seem to keep holding on to affections of this world, even though they’re deemed to be moral in the eyes of man.

I ask for renewal, God.

I can’t let go of these things by myself, but I choose to do so in Your power and in Christ alone.

I submit everything to You; I will sing with my life, “I surrender all.”

Help me to move on, God; help me to lay hold of heavenly treasures instead.

ew romance no

I've been fighting this for so long now... 2017 marks the two-year mark; I've been battling it for two years now.

I've often related it to a marriage; I'm pretty much completely comfortable with her, and so is she with me.
That ease often brings out our true sides, and obviously with two human beings, these true sides clash and create conflict. Such conflicts are not necessarily all there are in a marriage, but they definitely are an element which make marriage as difficult as it is.

How I react in this relationship, then, is a direct relation to how I will soon react in my future marriage.

But drawing the relation of this battle to marriage has somehow warped my view of what romantic relationships are.
I've become tired, sick, and even repulsed by romantic relationships. Sure, I'd like that human company and all the butterflies in the stomach, but when I think of the battles I'd have to face in a marriage, I scram. It's not worth it at all! It's horrific! I'm already suffering so much in my current battle, how much more severe would it be when marriage actually comes around?

But those thoughts only come because I've drawn the wrong relations.
The relation, instead, should be this:
This current battle right now is one which I will have to face if I marry the wrong person.
This current battle right now is one which I will be able to better fight if I listen hard to the Lord and marry the one He's chosen for me.

The way I act in this battle, then, is how I would behave in a WRONG marriage, not in ALL marriages.

The takeaway, thus, is to not marry the wrong person and to be sympathetic towards those who did; their trials are sooo so hard: think about yours right now.
The takeaway is also to listen to His voice on which person is right for you and right for His kingdom.
The takeaway is to not draw any more wrong relations which are extra-Scriptural. Stick to only Scripture for what is true.

I guess we got that figured out, huh Lord?
I think I got it figured out 'cause I was able to voice it out to him. Thanks for brothers-in-Christ, Daddy. They truly reflect Your work and character.

...
I guess I worried him for nothing then.
Hahahahahahahaha whoops~

2017 huh

Well, I guess it's 2017 now...

Though this is meant to be a cool post recounting the year of 2016, I have to say: I pretty much have nothing emo to share.

I don't really get too sad... but I don't really get too happy about anything either.
I don't know.

Life has just come to be something dead to me. I've just somehow come to treat it with nonchalance.
Nothing really matters to me anymore.

I'm alive for one sole reason, for one sole purpose, for one sole Being.
& I don't know.
But it sure does make this emotionless person smile like a lunatic, like a highschooler madly in love.

Bad things happen, sure, but they don't really put me down... or I should say: they CAN'T put me down: I'm held by stronger things, I'm held by Him.

Good things happen, too, yes, of course they do; but none of them really affect me that much... not when His face is constantly in my view, making the good things fade in comparison.
What's a 4.0 GPA when I think of sitting at His feet in eternity? What are men's praises when I can shut myself tight in my prayer closet and hear His "well done" instead?

Is it 2017 now?
It doesn't really matter that much to me. Sure, it marks a certain point in time and history, and yes, I still am breathing and existing for now, but none of it really matters to me.
I just don't really care about the existence of time anymore.

I'm doing my best to live for Him; I'm ending my days without regret, and I'm spending every moment with the One I love so so so much.
I'm doing His will. I'm running towards sanctification everyday.
I don't mind dying, but I don't mind living either. After all, He's the One who's in control.
It's just a state of "I have Him. And that's all that matters. That's all I care about."

Hey Papa,
It's 2017~ Why did You let me live to see this year?
What do You have planned for the history of mankind?
What kind of glorious story are You going to unfold in 2017?
How are we going to sing of it in eternity future?
Hahahaha, I get strangely excited, thinking about it~
Papa.
This world is so imperfect. This place is so ruined by us and our sin.
But You didn't turn away when You had every right to.
Instead You sent Your Son to redeem it and bring in sons of glory.
You are amazing. You are beyond our comprehension. Thank You~
You're the best.

I guess that ends 2016, huh.
2017... you battles, you enemy, you victories, here we come~

accounting and piano

Listen, Starry. And listen to it hard.
If this is a goal you have set for yourself, what makes you think you can achieve it without any hard work? Without any practice? Without any sacrifice?

What makes you think right now that you can do well if you don't put in the effort to even work?!

Listen up and listen well!
Stop griping about people who are lazy and yet appear to make it in life. Stop complaining about the lot that you have received; just buck up, grit your teeth, work with what you've got, and straighten that iron back you've always got.

You're strong.
You're determined.
You're hardy, and you're an achiever.

Don't fall and stay flat in the slums: it doesn't suit you.
And it really just isn't you!

You're someone so much better than that. You're you!

Look. Keep every inch of motivation in your mind, knowing that you are more than conquerors.

Do everything, knowing that every success observable is a success granted and allowed by Him.
But Starry.
He's not going to do anything if all He's got to work with is a lazy, ungrateful, failing, useless servant like YOU!

Get the hell back up on your feet. Plant them once more on solid ground. Keep your freaking face in the pages of the Word, and DO YOUR STINKIN' WORK!
'Cause it's what He's given you; 'cause it's what He's asked of you; 'cause He loved you and gave HIMSELF for you!

Wake up, you slothful servant.
Work hard and work to hear His praise!

You can do this. You definitely can. You've got Him, and you've got lots which He has given you!

So do it.
Just do it.
Do it and make Him proud.
He loves you; love Him back.

Work hard. Get a good score in His books; get a good score with your elders. Let's do this.

untitled for now

These soldiers march and chant with suffering,

"One two, one two, left right, left right—press on."

These failures' feet are barely lingering,

As grounds give way and victories are gone.

Their faces wear a weary look of woe.

They tell a story worth the listening:

"Man's grades are sure one formidable foe;

Be careful lest they be your everything."

But when these soldiers touch their sacred land,

Their dear Commander runs to have them blessed.

He speaks as He holds each hand in His hand,

"You've tried your best—well done. Now come and rest."

I sit in empty rooms with none but Him

And watch as my desire for good grades dim.