why america why

I really, really, really, really, really
don't want to go back to America.

I like this place.
I like seeing my people; I like knowing they're close by.
I like seeing Asians walking, seeing people who know they don't know everything.
I like seeing hardworking people who loathe laziness and uphold morality.
I like seeing conversations which both throw and receive.
I like seeing true freedom, constrained for the reason that is human nature.
I like this place.

But these are all so superficial...
Compared to the significance that is His will, all these reasons are no reason at all to stay.

I have nothing to say.

Though I do identify this lie:
This place is better for me.

The place that the Lord places me is the best for me.

So while I may find happiness here, I know I won't find joy here, if I were to stay against His will.

home,
Starry

just so much regret

I've come a long way...
I turn around, look back, and stand in awe of who I used to be.
I've come a long way, but which direction did I take?

Growing up with A Beka and GLCC,
I was groomed to be stiff and conservative.

Spending three months without my parents in CCBC,
I swayed to the liberal side and loosened myself.

To be honest-- to be perfectly honest-- I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

All I know is this:
My devotional life is in a mess, and as long as it stays in this state, I'm never going to get anywhere in life.
Either I fix it now by His grace, or He bears it no more to see me stray and consequently take me home.

I don't want to leave, God.
I want to do Your will... I want to stay here and glorify You, make You look good!
I want to be that cleansed vessel, trophy of grace, turning sinners to Your redeeming gaze.
Daddy, I'm sorry; will You please fix me?

I'm that prodigal son, that harlot, that disobeying nation--I'm everything filthy mentioned in Your Word.
I am exactly what You said I am.
By Your grace, I see that, Lord.
By Your mercy, I breathe, Father.
And by Your love, I am made eternal.
By Your love, I live.

I'm broken.
I'm ashamed.
But I'm here.
Fix me I pray.

regret,
Starry

camp recharge 2014?

My thoughts for Camp Recharge 2014 run a million miles. Thinking back, I honestly have no idea where to start. From laughing till my sides hurt to sitting on the bathroom floor, crying my eyes out; those mere five days are a true blessing from my loving Father above.

Video editing this time has been a real challenge, not in the operational sense, but in the relational sense. When my dad approached me to ask me to take on the job, my thoughts were only, "isn't the church paying someone to be the video person?!" How things go in China is one person, running around, shooting footage, and forgoing sleep and food just to serve the Lord through a simple ministry! IF your boss tells you to do something, DO IT. It's called obedience and it's called Ephesians 6:5-8. If even I, a stupid, incapable, inexperienced individual, can do it, why can't you?! You have better equipment, better skills, better people! You actually HAVE resources! Do you have any idea how precious those are in the mission field?! Do you have any idea where your resources even came from in the first place? The fact that you are okay with flat out disobeying God... it just--
it makes me so sad...
I'll do the job. I DID the job.
没有人做？我做！Because I BELIEVE in Ephesians 6:5-8.
And I know that it's what pleases my Father. I just--
I just hope you'll one day realize the magnitude of your actions and finally turn your eyes to Jesus.

Though camp was so busy for me, the Lord still blessed me with made friends.

- unfinished -