how can you know

You never really know a person until you see them in ministry...
How do people date here???

I can't imagine myself meeting my future partner FOR LIFE in Bible college.
That's just crazy to me; to me, it's beyond logic.

tbh i miss it...

ministry, 
Starry

Homesick Liao Lah

This fragile heart sometimes forgets to beat.

This weary head can sometimes fail to rise.

These broken hands take care of much defeat.

These fleeting breaths end many nights in cries.

This foreign face peers into strangers’ sights.

Its ears are craving for familiar rings.

Its skin so longs to feel connecting flights.

Its eyes and mouth speak only alien things.

But when by faith I fall before His throne

And see my Master’s never-changing gaze,

I gain all hope; I know I’m not alone.

I know I’m loved; I joy to give Him praise.

When on that day I reach my heav’nly home,

I’ll know the smallness of this earth I roam. 

she went

Life is so busy when you actually have friends...
But then you realize that they're not what you thought they were and that you've been reading the entire relationship wrong this whole time.

You start to wonder whom you can really trust on campus.
You start to doubt every stranger since you can't even stop doubting your only friend.

You think back to every struggle she's ever opened up to you about and question why He flung those doors open.
You start to question if your reaction and handling have been right all this time.
You start to wonder if you've truly lived that noticeable life of Christ which backs your words.

You start to realize that you're alone here on earth. You start to gather the courage to face the harsh reality that you're simply not meant to have any human company.
You start to remember that you're far away from home and from anything familiar or even slightly understandable.

You start to feel the loneliness.

You start to live the loving reality that He has designed it all to be that way, all so that it'd be easier for you to focus on the most important relationship, on Him.

You start to joy in the pain.
You start to praise through the rain.
You start to let Him pick you up where you've stumbled over the block.
You start to smile again as you see His face just a little more clearly.

You start to learn that-
that-
There is nothing that I need in this life, Lord! When I have You, I really don't know what else to ask for!
I have lost all expectations of man, Father. And I have been strengthened in all expectations of You.
You are faithful, Daddy. You never fail.
Your love always stands; Your heart never wavers.
All glory always goes to You; all my confidence is built on that.
Oh Lord, how foolish I have been! What a fool I was for having a friend as an idol! Forgive me... I have been so wrong!
Help me, oh God! You be my heart. You be my love. You be my strength. You be my courage.
With a mustard seed of faith, I step out, Daddy. I know it's barely anything, but I know- I know it is enough.
Thank You for everything... everything.
In Jesus' most precious, holy name do I come before You to communicate with You.
Oh all glory be to Him! What a great price I had put upon myself; what a selfless sacrifice He had ventured out to fulfill.
In His glorious, powerful name I pray and praise and live.
Amen.

Starry

he keeps coming to mind

My thoughts are running wild.
I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore.
The war between my two natures are so strong that I don't even know what is happening anymore.

I'm thinking of him, of him, of him, of Him--
what is going on!

I need to focus.
I need to remember why I'm doing what I'm doing.
I need to set my mind on eternal things and walk in the Spirit.

These are all desires of the flesh--my new man knows better that God is with me and that that will never change nor fail to satisfy.

There will always be a new "crush."
There will only be one faithful Father.

There really isn't anything else that I need in this life, is there...

Even if He calls me to be alone physically, I have Him spiritually! How much more rewarding is the spiritual!
What is physical fades; what is spiritual lasts.
I really don't need anything else.

So God,
I ask you to stop my foolish mind, because I can't do it in my own strength.
By faith I charge in and claim the inheritance which You've already given to me.
By faith I believe, Jesus, that you died and rose again, conquering all my sin.
I ask You to give me that confidence which You want me to have--not in myself or in my works, but in Christ and in Christ alone.
You've done it all, Jesus--give me the confidence in the face of the enemy and in front of others.
People scare me sometimes, Daddy, but I know that You have the whole world in Your hands yet still care to count the hairs on my head.
Help me to keep in mind that You love everyone that I see around me; help me to have Your heart for them and love them the way You do.
God, will You remind me once more that You are all that matters? That Your love is all that I need? That if I seek another's, I am blaspheming Yours?
Will You help my feeble mind to remember Your love, Lord? It's the greatest one of all...
And, God, just this short time of prayer, I feel, has already helped me.
I do have a clearer mind now and a more stable heart now.
I feel the change and the workings in me--thank You.
You truly are the best. You truly do care and love and protect and listen and answer.
Thank You for the desire you've graced me with to honor You with my life--thank You for this God-honoring prayer. I know that none of it is of me.
Thank You for the Holy Spirit.
Thank You for letting me partner with You in Your work.
Teach me, God. I'm here. Please. Use me, I pray.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.

Bible college high

I forgot what it was like...
I forgot what feeling physical pain in my chest because I cared so much for others felt like.
I forgot what those sleepless nights of prayer for others felt like.
I forgot what holding a person's hand and looking her in the eye in silent love felt like.
I forgot what giving up my life, my sins, and my pride to relate to others felt like.
I forgot what hearing the cries of others who are in pain felt like.
I forgot what mourning the spiritual death of another felt like.

I forgot what ministry felt like.
I forgot what the cries of the struggling sounded like.

I got drunk on being a good TA, being a good student, or even being a good friend; these are all good, but like with alcohol, they're good when in moderation.
I got so drunk on Bible college life that I forgot what the purpose of Bible college even is.

I studied ministry so much that I forgot ministry itself.

I was on a Bible college high; I was in a daze from the ecstasy of a spiritually safe environment.

Why was I thinking of TA-ing so much?
Why was I so hung up on whether I can date in Bible college or not?
Why in the world would I care when the people in my life are spiritually dying!
Why in the world would it even fill my head, when all the sound in my ears are the cries of the lost, begging to just hear one verse from God, begging hard to be set free!

I am not a Bible college student. I am a minister of God.
I am so much a minister of God that being a Bible college student just disappears.

I am in a war, and I am a soldier.

...

She is afraid of going to China; she has fear of such a calling.
It is almost as if she doesn't hear the cries of the people.
It is almost as if she doesn't understand ministry.

I left the prayer chapel in tears tonight.
I held the handle of the door at curfew and asked Him,
"God, You hear their cries, right?"

Even when we don't... You do, right?

Starry

late night thoughts

I asked You why You always talk to me when I'm in pain.

You said that it was because my ears are more open when I'm hurt.

If that's what it takes to hear Your voice and feel Your presence that clearly, Lord, then that's what I want.

God, I am nothing without you.
Before I knew You, I wanted to end my life.
It's almost as if nothing has changed in that fact, because if I stop knowing You now, I'd want to end my life just the same.

I lose sight of that fact so often, God.
My heart thinks I am a living sacrifice because of that fact, but You know better and often tell me about it all.

Teach me obedience, God.
I don't fully know what it is.
Teach me to be immediate; help my heart to run and not just walk when You tell me to go.
Teach me to love You, Father.
Teach me death and life in You, Jesus.

I have given my life to You, and it was the best decision I could have ever made.
I sometimes don't know about my intentions, God, because of how my heart is so deceitful, but I know one thing right now:
There is a hundred percent nothing in me which regrets giving my life to You.
You have given me joy, hope, peace,
while all I can give You is this wretched, weak life.

And the crazy thing is...
that is exactly what You want, isn't it?
This wretched, weak life...

Thank you doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of my feelings for You, but I'll start from there, God.
Thank You.
For You~

I look forward and can't wait for our date tomorrow!
I feel like I miss You already, hahaha.

Goodnight, Daddy.

Starry

all night of prayer

There really is this thought...
"I never want to leave Your presence."

I often say that to Him before I end my devotions time with Him.
And He simply replies me with an
"I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Yet the joy and incredible feeling of being in prayer with Him makes me so speechlessly happy and blissful.

When I decided to go to the all night of prayer event, I thought to myself,
"Surely, that thought of never wanting to leave His presence won't be on my mind at 6 in the morning."
But it did come to mind, and it did dominate my thoughts at 6 A.M.

And I told Him that.
I told Him, "I don't want to stop praying. I don't ever want to leave Your presence."
And I realized...
that even if I spend my whole life in prayer,
I would never get enough of it, and I would never grow sick of it.

Even if I spend every breath that I have, praising His name and beholding His glory,
I would always leave, saying, "I don't want this to end."

Oh how I love the thought of spending eternity with Him!
Oh that day when I see His face and know that it will never end...
Oh how truly loving He is in every second of my life.

"I never want to leave Your presence."

Starry

Christ is enough for me

I have nothing to say...

If ever you ask, though,
I'll tell you:
I've done my best, but I realize now that it wasn't enough. I should've tried harder, prayed more fervently, asked for more help, looked to the cross more, depended on God more.

He told me.
He told me that I did well, but He also told me that I could've done better.
I see that now.

& if anything,
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for not being the best person that I can be.
I know. That. I tried with His help.
I know. That. He did help me. Immensely.
But I now also know that it wasn't enough and that you are what matter to me.
You are my end goal, and if it wasn't achieved...

Lord, aren't results in Your capable hands...

To pray harder
To work harder
To depend fuller

I know my goals on earth. I know the results of the Lord. I know the faith required for the race. I know the sword effective in the field.

I'm determined.
I'm ready.
Because He's ready.
Because He's my all.
And there's nothing I'm afraid of 
There's nothing that's going to bring me down: I see His face.

Though now through a foggy glass, in the end it'll be face to face.

I love you, God. I'm so glad I'll never have to leave You. I'm so glad You're willing to have me.
I'm so glad
Just
Glad
That
You want to see me, God.

Help me, I pray. There's nothing I can do. I am nothing. And there's no purpose in me but You.

enough,
Starry

why america why

I really, really, really, really, really
don't want to go back to America.

I like this place.
I like seeing my people; I like knowing they're close by.
I like seeing Asians walking, seeing people who know they don't know everything.
I like seeing hardworking people who loathe laziness and uphold morality.
I like seeing conversations which both throw and receive.
I like seeing true freedom, constrained for the reason that is human nature.
I like this place.

But these are all so superficial...
Compared to the significance that is His will, all these reasons are no reason at all to stay.

I have nothing to say.

Though I do identify this lie:
This place is better for me.

The place that the Lord places me is the best for me.

So while I may find happiness here, I know I won't find joy here, if I were to stay against His will.

home,
Starry

just so much regret

I've come a long way...
I turn around, look back, and stand in awe of who I used to be.
I've come a long way, but which direction did I take?

Growing up with A Beka and GLCC,
I was groomed to be stiff and conservative.

Spending three months without my parents in CCBC,
I swayed to the liberal side and loosened myself.

To be honest-- to be perfectly honest-- I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

All I know is this:
My devotional life is in a mess, and as long as it stays in this state, I'm never going to get anywhere in life.
Either I fix it now by His grace, or He bears it no more to see me stray and consequently take me home.

I don't want to leave, God.
I want to do Your will... I want to stay here and glorify You, make You look good!
I want to be that cleansed vessel, trophy of grace, turning sinners to Your redeeming gaze.
Daddy, I'm sorry; will You please fix me?

I'm that prodigal son, that harlot, that disobeying nation--I'm everything filthy mentioned in Your Word.
I am exactly what You said I am.
By Your grace, I see that, Lord.
By Your mercy, I breathe, Father.
And by Your love, I am made eternal.
By Your love, I live.

I'm broken.
I'm ashamed.
But I'm here.
Fix me I pray.

regret,
Starry

camp recharge 2014?

My thoughts for Camp Recharge 2014 run a million miles. Thinking back, I honestly have no idea where to start. From laughing till my sides hurt to sitting on the bathroom floor, crying my eyes out; those mere five days are a true blessing from my loving Father above.

Video editing this time has been a real challenge, not in the operational sense, but in the relational sense. When my dad approached me to ask me to take on the job, my thoughts were only, "isn't the church paying someone to be the video person?!" How things go in China is one person, running around, shooting footage, and forgoing sleep and food just to serve the Lord through a simple ministry! IF your boss tells you to do something, DO IT. It's called obedience and it's called Ephesians 6:5-8. If even I, a stupid, incapable, inexperienced individual, can do it, why can't you?! You have better equipment, better skills, better people! You actually HAVE resources! Do you have any idea how precious those are in the mission field?! Do you have any idea where your resources even came from in the first place? The fact that you are okay with flat out disobeying God... it just--
it makes me so sad...
I'll do the job. I DID the job.
没有人做？我做！Because I BELIEVE in Ephesians 6:5-8.
And I know that it's what pleases my Father. I just--
I just hope you'll one day realize the magnitude of your actions and finally turn your eyes to Jesus.

Though camp was so busy for me, the Lord still blessed me with made friends.

- unfinished -